SUNDAY…

Okay, so on Sunday night I eat the entire contents of my fridge, and my cupboards, because I just KNEW that Monday was going to mean the start of a whole new me. I ordered pizza with all the side dishes, made sure I had a giant super size bar of chocolate and a great big bag of Doritos and dip to hand, and settled into munching my way through the lot, after all, it was going to be some time before I could treat myself again. Better make the most of it, I thought, so, even when I felt like I was bursting at the seams, I kept forcing food down my throat. Have… to eat… the last… slice of… pizza. AGONY!!! That’s what I felt as I lay in bed, absolute agony, as I propped cushions under my gut to try and ease it. Thank goodness I consumed those two bottles of wine; otherwise I’d never manage to fall asleep!

MONDAY…

Ah, a fresh new start, this is it… this is it for me. I’m gonna be so healthy, nothing will stop me. This is my mantra as I sit in the bath, but somehow, whilst I am lying there, evil thoughts begin to creep into my brain. ‘I really want a fry up.’ I think to myself, and suddenly I feel hard done by. How come my sister is a beanpole and she can eat anything, it’s just not fair. (Perhaps because she could eat anything, but doesn’t choose to eat everything,  unlike me.) ‘Right, FOCUS!!!’ I think. I want a fry up because I’m hung over, and it’s okay, because on the Atkins you can have a fry up, ‘Great plan!’ I congratulate myself, as thoughts of Jennifer Aniston pop into my head. Never mind about the bad breath, I’ll just buy some mints on the way to work. (Sugar free of course.)

The day wears on, and I’m so busy at work that I get to the canteen late, when all the best grub has gone. The lettuce on the salad looks wilted and sorry for itself, and the only thing that looks half decent is a lone egg sandwich. ‘I’ll have that.’ I decide. It’s quite healthy, and although not allowed on the Atkins, I’m sure Rosmary Connolly would approve. Yes! I’ll switch to her plan and start counting calories instead.

By the evening I’m starving, and my sister pops over with CAKE!!!! (Yes, the skinny sister… cow!) Anyway, I really fancy it, and it’s not my fault she turned up unannounced with calorific treats. So sod it, I’ll start again tomorrow, it’d be rude to turn down her generous gift. And come to think about it, if I’m starting tomorrow I may aswell order a chinese takeaway and make the most of it. I can’t be bothered to cook, I’ve had a really tough day, and we all deserve a treat now and then. What difference will one more day make?

TUESDAY…

LASAGNE!!! That’s the first thing I think of when I wake up. (Weird or what?!) But as the morning progresses, it gets me thinking, and it is my absolute favourite food, served with chips, salad (with lashings of mayonnaise), creamy coleslaw and piping hot garlic ciabatta bread. I forgot to have that as part of my two day final ‘I’m definately changing my ways this time’s binge. And don’t I deserve to eat my favourite meal one last time? Aren’t I a good person? ‘Yessss…. I’ll buy the ingredients tonight and start the diet tomorrow.’ I think as i head towards the cake van at work…..

WEDNESDAY…

After yesterday’s binge (and yes, of course it turned into a binge, did you really think I stopped at the lasagne), I’ve really got the taste for ‘naughty’ food in my system- I start thinking about bacon sandwiches as soon as I’m actually awake.. BEFORE I even open my eyes, in fact it probably started as a dream that continued when I awoke, before even opening my eyes. I just can’t get motivated, maybe I need to do something drastic, like the cabbage soup diet, just to give me a kick start (don’t stand down wind of me when I’m on that one). Or the juicing diet, nothing but freshly squeezed juice for a week… but I remembered that last time I did it I was sooo hungry. I popped to my mums the day I started it and exclaimed: ‘What is that gorgeous smell? I don’t care about the diet; serve me up some of whatever that is.’ ‘I haven’t cooked dinner yet, I’ve just fed the dog!’ Replied my mum with a smirk. ‘Great.’ I moaned, wiping the dribble from my chin, I was salivating over pedigree chum! Maybe i should re-join weight watchers, it has worked for me in the past. But I never seem to stick at it for long. Then I remembered how they offended me at Christmas, my attendance had  lapsed and they sent me one of their motivational cards to get me to re-join. It read: ‘We all love Santa, but we don’t want to look like him!’ (Cheers, feeling great about myself after that!)

Anyway, my head is spinning with all of this. ‘I’ll just start the diet tomorrow….’ I think, as I reach for a biscuit.

THURSDAY…

The day starts well (don’t fall over with shock). This is it, I’m really determined this time. It’s the work night out, but that’s okay, because even though we are having a meal and drinks, I fully intend to make healthy choices.

When I arrive it’s a world buffet, eat as much as you like. (As much as you like? Is that the same as ‘eat as much as you possibly can’?!) ‘Oh well,’ I say to my mate, ‘Sack the diet, I’ve gotta get my money’s worth!’ ‘But the boss is paying!’ She replies. It’s too late; I’m out of earshot… i’m already legging it over to the ‘Mexico’ section for an extra large helping of tacos!!

FRIDAY…

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It’s the weekend!!! I’ll start again on Monday!

For the cake
300g self-raising flour
300g light muscovado sugar
3 tsp mixed spice
2 tsp bicarbonate of soda
175g sultanas
½ tsp salt
4 eggs , beaten
200g butter, melted
zest 1 orange
1 tbsp orange juice
500g (peeled weight) pumpkins or butternut squash flesh, grated

For drenching and frosting
200g pack soft cheese
85g butter , softened
100g icing sugar , sifted
zest 1 orange and juice of half

How to:

Heat oven to 180C/fan 160C/gas 4. Butter and line a 30 x 20cm baking or small roasting tin with baking parchment. Put the flour, sugar, spice, bicarbonate of soda, sultanas and salt into a large bowl and stir to combine. Beat the eggs into the melted butter, stir in the orange zest and juice, then mix with the dry ingredients till combined. Stir in the pumpkin. Pour the batter into the tin and bake for 30 mins, or until golden and springy to the touch.

To make the frosting, beat together the cheese, butter, icing sugar, orange zest and 1 tsp of the juice till smooth and creamy, then set aside in the fridge. When the cake is done, cool for 5 mins then turn it onto a cooling rack. Prick it all over with a skewer and drizzle with the rest of the orange juice while still warm. Leave to cool completely.

If you like, trim the edges of the cake. Give the frosting a quick beat to loosen, then, using a palette knife, spread over the top of the cake in peaks and swirls. If you’re making the cake ahead, keep it in the fridge then take out as many pieces as you want 30 mins or so before serving. Will keep, covered, for up to 3 days in the fridge.

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