Question: Do you know what the death rate is around here?

Answer: One per person!!

There is a lot of media attention re the size of coffins required in today’s society however I carried out the following survey nearly two years ago when I discovered there was a need so read on…………………..

Yes, we all have to die whether we’re fat, thin, tall, short, black, white or purple, so there’s no point in shying away or being coy about it. Let’s get it all out in the open, after-all dying is just natures way of saying “Hey…you’re not alive anymore!”

My idea of heaven is God letting me sit floating around on a big cloud, eating cream buns to my hearts content…there would be no calories, and no issues around whether you’re fat or thin. Don’t get me wrong,[...] I don’t mind being big, well okay, I’d love to look like Kate Winslet and be sprightly enough to run and skip about (perhaps God will let me skip around on my cloud), but what I mean is, I’ve gotten used to being this size.  It’s the attitude of others in society that bothers me, the way us larger beings are treated.  So I wondered…if we get a rough deal in life, what sort of a deal do we get in death?  This prompted me (in fit of morbidity) to begin planning my funeral, just for research purposes of course, to see what the situation is for over-sized and expired!  (And by the way, don’t be perturbed, I’ve never believed in tempting fate, so just relax and go with it!!)

The results were astounding, I’ve never been treated with such compassion in my life, everyone I spoke to was so pleasant, and yes I do realise that they are probably all trained in being lovely and speaking in that calm this is a sensitive subject tone of voice, but come on folks…I’m a fat person…I don’t deserve any respect!!!  I find it amusing (and annoying) that when trying to book a flight I was treated like something brown and muck you find on the bottom of your shoe, even though there’s a chance I could be a repeat customer.  As far as I am aware, you only get to die once (unless you have one of those near death experience thingies, but that’s a-whole-nother subject).  Therefore, only getting to die once, you will not use the funeral company again, so it’s not though they can think, “If we are pleasant to this person, she may use us every time she snuffs it.”

I began by ringing Co-operative Funeralcare where I spoke to a lovely gentleman (the first person I’ve come across for years who warrants being called a ‘gentleman’, rather than just ‘bloke’ or ‘geezer’…..or something even stronger, but I’m trying to keep this clean).  He told me that I could get an extra large coffin made to measure for no extra cost, as coffins are priced per person, not according to size.  I might need to purchase two plots for burial, costing double, but that would be at the discretion of the cemetery.  I asked him if he deals with many such queries.  He replied that a long time ago he dealt with a man who was very large and couldn’t fit into the hearse, so he had to travel to his funeral in an ambulance.  “Oh no!!!” I exclaimed “I didn’t even think of that!”  The thought of arriving at my own funeral in an ambulance made me want to top myself (not before going on some kind of starvation crash diet first of course).  I’d look like I was fresh from my death bed, and been rushed to the grave straight from the hospital.  (I’ve always been impulsive, but that’d be ridiculous).

I enquired about cremation thinking that this might be a simpler solution, but I was wrong!  It turns out that my local crematorium is only 28 inches wide, so I won’t be fitting my large lifeless frame in there.  He suggested I could be transported to Watford (they have bigger ovens there apparently).  My ashes could then be collected by my family, or picked up by the funeral company, but the charge would be £1.40 a mile after the first 15 miles.  Do you think it would be cheaper to take a cab?  I’ve suffered many an irritating overly chatty cab driver in my time, at least on this occasion they could ramble on relentlessly, and I wouldn’t be aware of it!

I then tried calling Golden Leaves Funeral Plans, where: “You’re never to young to pre-plan and re-pay your funeral expenses.” (“Yeah, I bet they don’t mind you paying early”.  I mused.)  I got through to a plesant lady who had clearly been trained in the imagine yourself walking through a sunny meadow tone of voice.  Unfortunately she had never had a query like mine before and said she would have to get back to me.  “Where do all the fat people go when they die?”  I wondered.  If these questions I was asking were so rare, where do all the plus sized corpes go?  Perhaps we are immortal, maybe I have stumbled upon a little known well kept secret?!  Anyway, she never did get back to me, so it’s a good job I didn’t just have a few weeks left to live.

I called Bristol Funeral Directors who reassured me: “Don’t worry!  One coffin size fits all!”  When I explained that he may not be able to get the lid on if he sold me a “one size fits all, ” he replied: “Don’t worry! The manufacturer will make to measure at no extra cost; they won’t discriminate against you because of your size.”  That was the second “Don’t worry” in the first three minutes, but hey, I guess once you’re dead you don’t have any worries, so maybe he was simply preparing me for that.  I was impressed by his use of the word “discriminate” though, very up to the minute and PC!!

As for cremation, the biggest facility in Bristol is 33 inches wide, however, he informed me that he thinks there is a larger one in Sussex.  (Sussex, Watford….I’ll be well travelled when I’m dead).  Other useful information I discovered was that Bath are looking into providing cremation services for larger people, and that a regular coffin is a maximum of 31 inches wide.  (I must remember that one in case it comes up in Trivial Pursuit).

Dignity Funeral Plan pretty much echoed what the other companies said, they were very helpful, popping off to find information for me, leaving me entertained by some very lively on hold music (classical of course).  They put me through to a company in my local area, who were sooo sweet and helpful they must have sprinkled sugar on their heads that very morning….”Ann” and “Colin” running out to measure the hearse was 7 foot 6 by 3 foot 4, which Ann and “Polly” then converted into inches for me…..40 inches.  They assured me that they would not have me travelling to the last “do” I’d ever go to in my life by ambulance, and that they would hire a bigger hearse if necessary.  I found out that Leamington Spa provides cremation for larger people, and that Watford is the best in the whole country, allowing for dead-ies of up to 50 stone.

I spoke to various other companies, and the information was pretty much the same, but the most amusing conversation of the day was through “Cruse”, who put me onto a local funeral director.  They were of course polite, but said the clumsiest things.  “How big are you?” and “How much do you weigh?” being two of the them.  Okay, they may need to know this, but none of the others has asked me, and this is information I never divulge.

Following this I was told in no uncertain terms: “Your coffin will not look like a coffin shape; it will look like a squarem because of your width.”  (Her exact words!!!)  “Oh come on…”  I though “I might be big but I’m not a CUBE!!!!!”

They said they buried a large lady in the past.  When I asked if she was able to use the hearse, the woman shouted to her colleague: “‘Ere, you know that big lady…did we get her in the hearse alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, we got her in.”  Was the reply from the ‘Man in background‘.

“Yeah, but did we have trouble getting her in?” asked yje (don’t bother putting ‘em on hold) lady.

“No no” replied man. “We got her in alright.”

(How delightful it was for me to hear them caterwauling at each other like a pair of fishwives, albeit very sympathetic and pleasant fishwives!!)

Some people ‘go out with a bang’, but it looks like I’m going in a square!  If that’s the case, I want it to be special, so I surfed the web and discovered an unusual company called Crazy Coffins who make all kinds of funky designs.  They’ve created coffins in the shape of a bell, an egg, a shoe, a guitar and even a skip!  AND apparently people are even ordering their coffins before they die and using them in the home (seemingly they double up as bookcases, coffee tables, sofas, etc…WEIRD!).

I thought about my cubular frame, and decided that if I was going to get them to design me a coffin, I’d get them to make me a dice, and I’d put on my epitaph that I was a keen gambler, and bluff my way from this life to the next!  Odds on that no Joker will get me flushed when it comes to organising my funeral!

Funeral companies contact details:

Bristol Funeral Directors Ltd
www.bristolfuneraldirectors.co.uk
0117 966 1965

Family Funerals Trust
http://www.lodgebros.co.uk/
020 8818 7710

Golden Charter Ltd
http://www.goldencharter.co.uk/
0800 833 800

Golden Leaves Ltd
www.goldenleaves.co.uk
0800 854 448

Cruse Breavement Care Funeral Plan
01508 532632