I used to have a pet lizard – he was a Panther Chameleon, plum and green in colour ordinarily, orange when he felt angry or scared, and dark brown; the colour of the branches in his vivarium when he felt fed up- I think he wanted to hide from the world at these times (we all know that feeling).

He was a fascinating creature, who every so often started to look a bit grey, before going scaly all over and shedding his skin. During the shedding he would plod about his branches with crusty flaps hanging off him, he’d rub himself against the branches to release the old skin from his body. Sometimes I’d try to give him a hand and get a bit off for him- but he always looked a bit deadpan when I tried to do this (not that lizards can pull any other face)- but he was seeming to say to me: ‘Get off woman- I gotta do this on my own’, and sure enough- after a week he would be free of his old skin and as good as new- better than new in fact, his colours were more vibrant and his skin looked fabulous- he was worthy of a glossy magazine cover just after his sheds. (Although, Chameleo-politan never did get in touch!)
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“Welcome to the tale of a delicious adventure in wonderful land. You can tell it will be delicious – can’t you smell it already? Oh how I love that gorgeous smell!

You’ve all heard of Cadbury’s… Rowntree… Fry’s… Nestles…Wonka, what’s that? You say, what’s Wonka? You mean you don’t know what Wonka is? Why Wonka chocolate of course! I admit that Willy Wonka’s chocolate is fairly new but it’s also the greatest chocolate ever invented. Why Willy Wonka himself is the most amazing, most fantastic, most extraordinary chocolate maker the world has ever seen.”

Hello there…. Daisy here… that’s a quote from my favourite play…. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory… because it’s all about my favourite thing… CHOCOLATE!!! Which links us very nicely to Easter!!!

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Mother; that funny creature who drives you crazy. The ones who licked a tissue and wiped your mouth with it when you were small (or up until you were a teenager in some cases- ugh)! She inflicted punishments upon you to make you a better person- sending you to your room for walloping your brother over the head with a shoe, calling: ‘This hurts me more than it hurts you…’ as you stomped to your room bellowing: ‘I HATE YOU!’ at the top of your voice – and you really meant it.

She’s the one who gave you a curfew of 9.30 pm when all of your friends were allowed to stay out ‘till ten’. Mum; the one who wouldn’t let you eat chocolate biscuits for breakfast, but when you wanted sugar puffs for tea instead of shepherd’s pie with carrots- that wasn’t allowed either! ‘You’re horrid’- you muttered at her from your slumped position at the table whilst you pushed the poisonous carrots around your plate with a fork- and you really meant it.

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Happy Valentines Day. Love stinks!

It has stunk bad since my first boyfriend Lee. I was 7 years old and at primary school, and he was meeeeeean! Okay, he didn’t know that he was my boyfriend, but that’s besides the point, he was still mean, and his mean behaviour was uncalled for and the start of my stinking love career.

Even at 7 years of age, the girls in my class all hoiked up their skirts at breaktime ready for the daily round of kisschase. (Yes we were just 7 years old, and yes- it was a rough school!) Anyway, Lee my boyfriend even-though-he-didnt–know-it was a sloooow runner. He just couldn’t seem to catch me when I ran about during kiss chase. Even though I knew then that he would  never make the Olympics, I still loved him, though some girls less loyal than me would have turned their backs, I was faithful and loyal to my Lee.

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…It is a time of new beginnings, fresh ideas, making time for things that are important and worthwhile, detox and cleanliness… We can forget the stupid and idiotic acts we participated in during the festive (drunken) Christmas season, and say to ourselves… ‘Hey, that was last year…it’s in the past, I’m gonna forget it and move on!’

We used to mark the New Year with a tradition called ‘first footing’ (it was meant to bring good luck). People waited behind their door for a dark haired person, who would be the first to enter the house that year, bringing a piece of coal (for warmth), bread (to signify there would always be enough food to eat), some money (for financial prosperity) and some greenery (for long life). The visitor would take some dust or ashes out of the house, denoting the departure of the old year.

In this day and age we make our own luck. (I know that if someone brought me a lump of coal on the 1st of Jan whilst I’m nursing a hangover in my pajamas- I’d tell them where to go!) Many of us take stock of our lives and reflect on the year gone by, making New Year’s resolutions. Yes, we usually (or in my case always) break them by January the 2nd, but still each year we try again, most of the time making the same ones.

This is always going to be the case, unless you make resolutions like, gain weight, spend loads of money (stick it on a third credit card), take up a bad habit (smoking perhaps?!), don’t pay your mobile bill till you get cut off, and walk less (even driving to the postbox, located at the end of your street).

So why is this? If our boss randomly told us in March to survive on 900 calories a day, never utter a swearword and only drink alcohol on our birthday, we would immediately be in the queue for our p45. We wouldn’t accept such ridiculous targets from someone else, so why do we put such pressure on ourselves, setting impossible targets? ‘Because it’s tradition!!!’ I hear you shouting at the screen! Okay, okay… so lets find a happy medium between starting anew and being realistic, because lets face it, New Year is a fabulous time, and setting goals is a great way to boost confidence and make life more meaningful, and as you know- getting you to feel good about yourselves is our main priority here at 100% People!

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After my experiences with the airlines and trying to book a holiday, I got to thinking about whether our society caters for any of the (over 50% of) the human race that are not the ‘average’ shape and size.

So, what do you do if you’re very tall and you want a weekend away from home without your feet hanging miles over the end of the end? I decided to investigate by calling a few hotels, to see what kind of provision they make for those of you who breathe the freshest air.

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When I was told that this month 100% People were going to be focusing on weddings, I must admit that my heart sunk a little. I’ve been happily single for years, yet every time another friend drops a wedding invitation into my hand I can’t help but feel alone. I went back to my desk thinking how to approach an interesting article on The BIG Day.

It was then I started to envisage my own wedding. Me in a white meringue, and I’m being literal here I want to be dressed in sugar from head to toe! Ha ha! I’ll be standing in a Grand Cathedral, with floor to ceiling stain-glass windows and more flowers than a garden centre owned by Elton John!

Okay so maybe I’m going a little over the top… but it did start off the thought process of how far do some people go? After some interesting (and if I’m honest completely hilarious) research I found the answer… TOO FAR!

Here are my Top 10 Wacky Weddings: (more…)

Summer is coming and after working hard all year, the thing on my mind is getting away from it all for a week or two and relaxing in the sun…

As we all know, the weather in England can be unpredictable, so I think I’m going to opt to go abroad this year.

I’ve never flown before, and as a very large (and fabulous) person, I’m feeling nervous about getting into the aeroplane seats, so I phoned around a few companies to get an idea of the provisions they make for a person of my size….
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Answer: One per person!!

There is a lot of media attention re the size of coffins required in today’s society however I carried out the following survey nearly two years ago when I discovered there was a need so read on…………………..

Yes, we all have to die whether we’re fat, thin, tall, short, black, white or purple, so there’s no point in shying away or being coy about it. Let’s get it all out in the open, after-all dying is just natures way of saying “Hey…you’re not alive anymore!”

My idea of heaven is God letting me sit floating around on a big cloud, eating cream buns to my hearts content…there would be no calories, and no issues around whether you’re fat or thin. Don’t get me wrong,[...] (more…)

If I ever had a frontal lobotomy and decided to get wed, I wonder if I’d go for the increasingly popular option of surgery to help me lose weight or alter my looks. (Hey… perhaps the frontal lobotomy people would do me a deal- two op’s for the price of one, ‘lobotomy’ and ‘lop a bit off my bottom for me’ at the same time?!)

Surgery does seem a bit drastic, especially as these smug ‘married to be’s’ are supposed to have found the love of their life who should adore them no matter what they look like. It’s not meant to be: ‘till death do us part, as long as you keep up the botox and book in for that gastric bypass immediately’!

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